Teetering On The Edge

I had to hit the bottom, before I could push my way back towards the top.

I never thought I’d find myself here. In this dark lonely place. Who does. You trudge along merrily, living your life, when before you know it you’ve hit a road block. Then another. Then another. It’s not long until you’re buried so deep in the rubble, you can’t imagine clawing your way out.

The simple act of drawing your next breath becomes a chore so taxing, you’re unsure if you are even capable of it. You do it anyway. Each jagged inward draw, more heart wrenching than the previous, but still they keep coming.

You close all the windows, draw the curtains and lock all the doors up tight. Phones ring endlessly, unanswered. Door chimes toll until fading away in the distance as their initiator walks away rejected. Still, you hide, in the dark, beyond their reach. Alone and miserable. A fate of your own making.

Coming back sounds easy enough. Until you attempt it.

For some it requires medication. Others pure strength of will. I’ve always considered myself the latter. Until this time. I’ve never gone to a doctor to be diagnosed. You might ask why, but the answer is simple really. I didn’t want to know what he’d find.

I’ve always dwelled in the dark places. They’re my home. My poetry resides there. My thoughts flickering here and there. Sure, I’m part of the light too. It’s just that the dark feels more comfortable. Like a soft down comforter, in front of a fire-place. To have a doctor tell me that it was unhealthy here, was not words I was prepared to hear. So I didn’t.

Depression. We’ve all faced it a time or two in our lives, whether we knew it or not. To most it’s just a blip on the radar. A bad day scattered in amongst all the good ones. For some it lasts a little longer. Clinging on like a desperate relationship. Wringing out that last bit of hope before dashing away back to its dark corners.

Sounds scary doesn’t it? The funny thing is, that’s not even the worse case. When depression sinks its teeth down deep, and wraps its slithery, slimy tongue around your soul, and four walls become the only site you will see for days, weeks, months on end…then you learn the true meaning of terror.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but two weeks ago, when things came crashing down on me, I never once thought I would shut myself out away from friends and family. I just knew I was having a really, really, bad day that seemed destined to push me across some invisible threshold. Little did I realize, it would be two weeks later before I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t spoken to another person in at least one full week. Not for lack of trying from a few really good friends, and supportive comments that I read here on WordPress. I couldn’t bring myself to answer any of them. Believe me, I tried. My fingers would be on the keys but I couldn’t seem to press them down to form actual words. Guilt pushed down on me, making the darkness thicker. I felt like a horrible person for not acknowledging their kindness, and thanking them at the very least. Avoidance became the word of the week, so I shut down all access to the internet, and stayed away from anything requiring an answer from me.

This morning, for the first time, I took a deep breath and didn’t feel like it was crushing me. The sun was shining outside (albeit briefly) and everything seemed bright and new. Like a shiny penny. Am I out of the woods yet? I can’t answer that. What triggered such a strong incident in me? I cannot answer that either. I do know that there was a lot going on in my life the day the lights went out. Some good, mostly bad. A lot of little things that just accumulated into one hell of a meltdown. I can’t even guarantee the nightmare is over. For right now though.. in just this moment.. I have once more found my voice.

For anyone out there, suffering from depression, and feeling alone, take it from me… there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be faint, it may take its’ sweet ass time coming… but it’s there. All you have to do is reach for it.

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24 thoughts on “Teetering On The Edge

  1. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

    I am so happy to see you coming out of such a dark place and have a post here! Hope is a good 4 letter word. πŸ™‚

    Thank you so much for sharing with us.

    (((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

  2. So sorry to hear you have been experiencing this – I’ve been in my own dark night of the soul for roughly the same time, though no doubt very different reasons. We all have our own personal darkness. But I am glad to hear you are rising out of yours and hope that the sunshine maintains for you! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  3. i have similar events in my life happening often only i continue to walk through the day, trudging on through my own misery, i to often see the light showing me there are better days ahead.

    Cutting myself off from everything for a short time, seems like a wonderful plan…

    • It certainly helped in my case. I needed the time to reflect and figure out what was going on. Still not clear on everything, but I did find my way back. Thanks for the continued support. πŸ™‚

  4. So sorry to hear the Demon Depression wrapped it’s icy claws around your soul Phoebe. I am so glad the light found you and drew you back to some normalcy. I pray that it is an enduring and strengthening peace of mind you have found. I wish you all the best in good times, but especially in the bad. I do not suffer from depression, (other than the common garden variety) but know many who do, and am sorry it has stricken such a beautiful soul as yourself. Be well my friend. Reach out if ya need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen.

    John

    • I normally have never suffered from depression either. I mean, yes, I have experienced dark days and bad days just like anyone else. But a total shut down of all my faculties has never happened to me before. I think it can happen to anyone given the right circumstances, but I just wasn’t expecting it to happen to me exactly. Thank you for being so supportful John. It’s very much appreciated.

      • Any time Phoebe. I am just glad to see you back on track. Hope that continues to be the case. I always look forward to your posts and our banter. Be truly well my friend.

  5. I can so identify with every word from beginning to end in this post. That day when you take what feels like the first breath of your life is a blessing like no other. The sun feels warmer, and life holds a hint of life again–an amazing feeling. I am so glad you are finding your way out of the darkness. Much love…..Skye

  6. A protracted bout of depression feels like an endless night, but the rising of the sun brings hope and new incentives. Keep blogging and engage in something worthwhile and constructive (my writing helps to keep the darkness at bay – most of the time) and you may see it become your anchor. Enjoy the light!

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