My fall semester classes start today, and I am feeling a little terrified, to be honest. You’d think I would have gotten used to it after doing 2 earlier semesters and summer classes as well. I think I was riding on a euphoric high in the beginning. “Yay, I’m in college!” Now, I’m hoping I wasn’t fooling myself into thinking I can run this race through to the finish.
The stack of books required keeps growing from semester to semester, as do the assignments and time needed to complete them. Podcasts? Skype? Mock live interviews? None of these were asked for in earlier classes, and I think I fooled myself into thinking this was going to be far easier than it is. This semester I’ve read about browsers being locked down for tests and having to be proxied for final exams. I never did well in school when I was younger, having people breathing down my neck. I hardly think that has changed over the years and will most likely result in a lower test score for me.
My health prevents me from spending too much time with my feet on the floor due to water retention and the type 2 diabetes. Studying from my recliner proves too difficult sometimes what with all the space needed for books and laptop, and my feet sticking in the air. As I result I must limit the time I spend in front of the screen, and attending actual “in-class” sessions are not a possibility at this time.
Maybe I am just tired at the moment, and psyching myself out, but I swear I can smell failure already. I’m usually the hardest on myself, and this college stuff at my age is no different. Am I only kidding myself that I can do this? Or am I just wavering in the face of my own anxiety and fear of failure? Right now, I am just hoping I can make it through this upcoming weeks worth of homework without having a full blown panic attack.
Last week when I blogged about how I was the first in my family to go to college, I was full of pride and excitement. I still feel the same pride, but fear has replaced all the rest. Have any one of you experienced a lack of faith in yourself mid way through a task you’ve set for yourself? How did you deal with it?